


maybe I'm just too tired to keep running (maybe you're what I never saw coming)

by lemon_drizzle_cake



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Adulting is hard, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Idiots in Love, JJ is not the father, Jiara January 2021, Mutual Pining, Pregnancy, angst with fluff, parents are hard, pregnant!Kie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29026083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_drizzle_cake/pseuds/lemon_drizzle_cake
Summary: JJ goes to talk, but then bites his mouth shut. He gets up from the table, moves his chair in front of her and sits back down, elbow on his knees, leaning towards her. Looks at her from under his eyelashes.“Kie, can I be real with you? I know it’s not my place. But I think you should call your parents.”The Jiara Pregnancy fic written by someone who hates pregnancy fics. Inspired by RoseofWinterfell’s amazingam i in your head (half as often as you’re on my mind?)[Jiara January –pregnant!Kie gif prompt (the angsty one)]
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 65
Collections: Jiara January 2021





	maybe I'm just too tired to keep running (maybe you're what I never saw coming)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoseofWinterfell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseofWinterfell/gifts).



> This fic is for Lara, aka [RoseofWinterfell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseofWinterfell/pseuds/RoseofWinterfell/works?fandom_id=41172721). Not only because she’s the brilliant creative mind behind Jiara January, but most importantly because she kindly let me play around with her own creation and write this completely unofficial (yet fully authorised) spin-off of [am i in your head](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26658517/chapters/65013994). 
> 
> If you haven’t read Lara’s fic… go do that, what are you waiting for, it’s amazing. Seriously, leave this tab immediately and go read hers first.
> 
> This won’t really make too much sense if you haven’t read _in your head_ , but still, the basic premise is: Kie got pregnant after a one night stand while travelling; she comes back to the OBX and her parents are less than thrilled so, not knowing what to do, she shows up at JJ’s – and tries very hard not to think too much about why she did that. This story picks up a few months after that, towards the end of Kiara’s pregnancy. 
> 
> To be clear, this is in no way a spoiler for future chapters of _in your head_ , I just took some inspiration from it and then ran with it in a different direction.
> 
> Title from _Lost My Mind_ by Alice Kristiansen, because we love a good parallel.
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

The sound of frying eggs sizzling in the pan fills the whole kitchen. Kiara keeps a careful eye on them as she spreads mashed avocado on a slice of toast. It’s early, the rising sun filters through the window and hits the cheap laminate countertop, making it shimmer in the golden hue.

“Morning,” JJ mumbles, coming into the room. 

Kiara turns towards his voice, greets him with a smile. He’s fresh out of the shower, hair still wet, dressed in a white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants that he still hasn’t swapped for the greasy coveralls he wears for work. He makes a beeline for the coffee pot, makes a disgruntled noise when he finds it empty and sends her an offended look. She shrugs her shoulders back at him, dismissive (she quit coffee months ago, as it wasn’t agreeing with her anymore; he knows that) and watches on in mild amusement as JJ proceeds to bang all of the cupboards looking for the ground coffee and paper filters. Kiara slides one of the eggs on her toast, leaves the rest in the pan for him. Takes her plate to the table, puts it down next to her green tea and orange juice, and slowly lowers herself into a chair.

Since she turned up pregnant at his door, almost four months ago now, she and JJ have settled into a weird sort of routine. They have breakfast together, he heads off to Benny’s auto body shop, she sets off to Charlie’s. Depending on her hours, whoever gets home first gets dinner going. Most nights they collapse on the couch and binge some Netflix show before heading to bed, where she falls asleep with his arm slung around her. Some nights they cuddle, some nights they don’t. Some nights they do more.

They’re not a couple, not really – they’re both too guarded or maybe too scared to cross that line and define their relationship. She never misses a chance to push him to go out at the weekend without her and hook up with someone else. She doesn’t think he has slept with anyone else since they first started doing it, months ago. She doesn’t really know how she would feel if he did.

“Anything interesting?” he asks, pointing at _The Kildare Gazette_ in front of her that she’s been flipping through while sipping at her tea.

“Just running through the ads. See if any new place comes up.”

“Right.”

He plates his eggs with two slices of toast, grabs his coffee mug and comes to sit at the table with her.

“I’m going to another house viewing after my shift, today,” she informs him. “Dude, did I tell you what happened last time? I went to see that place on Spruce, and you’ll never believe it, when the realtor lady saw me she literally scanned me up and down and asked me what my _husband_ did for a living. Like, seriously, I’m right in front of you. I’m a whole person, not just a baby-making machine!”

“Did you tell her that?”

Kie takes a sip of her juice. “Not in so many words. But like… she took one look at my application and gave me this super tight-lipped smile thing and – yeah, I’m not getting that place. Which freaking sucks because let’s face it, it wasn’t a mansion, so if I can’t even get approved for a rat-trap like that I don’t know what my chances are, at this point.”

JJ puts down his fork, on the placemat next to his plate. He sends her a look from under his eyelashes as he finishes chewing on the last bite of eggs and then just stays there, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“You know you can stay here as long as you need,” he says, almost hesitant. “It’s not like I’m kicking you out or anything.”

He says it like it’s nothing. She knows he means it, too. So she puts down her mug as well, shakes her head with a tight smile. Forces out a light tone and says, “You say that now, JJ. You might reconsider when I have a screaming child attached.”

“Kie.” His face is soft, gentle, yet his eyes bore straight into hers. It does things to her, when he looks at her like that. Just knowing that he’ll always be there for her, no matter what. That he’s offered her a place to stay – and friendship and support and companionship – without asking for anything in return. That he’s willing to do so much more, to put his whole life on hold to adapt to the needs of a baby he had no part in making. She knows he’d do that in a heartbeat, she only needs to ask. Which is precisely why she can’t ask.

“JJ, I _can’t_. Come on.”

“You can’t, or you won’t? Because I don’t see you swimming in options at the moment.”

And, well. That stings. Kiara finds herself quite stunned, looking back at him. 

“Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence, JJ, much appreciated.” Her words come out cutting, harsh. “So what, I should just shack it up with you here forever because I can’t do any better. Is that what you’re saying?”

Hurt flashes on his face and she immediately regrets her outburst. That came out sounding way worse than she intended, she realises, and the last thing she wants to suggest is that she’s not happy here, or grateful for all he’s done for her. She always does this, _always._ She lashes out and corners herself in places she doesn’t want to be.

His lips are pressed thin, his eyes trained on the ground. “I’m just trying to help, Kie.”

She lets out a heavy sigh, runs a hand over her face. “I know. I know, I’m sorry. God, I’m being such a bitch.”

She pulls herself up from her chair, struggling for a moment to find her balance due to her ballooning belly. JJ’s eyes switch to her immediately, attentive, his whole body already gravitating towards her – because he may be mad at her or hurt by what she said, but god forbid if JJ fucking Maybank isn’t the most chivalrous _‘save the pregnant lady’_ bastard she’s ever met.

“Come here,” she says, opening her arms to him. He looks at her square for a fraction of a second and then leans in towards her, his arms carefully wrapping around her, the side of his face resting just above her baby bump. She’s a full head taller than him, standing like this while he’s perched on the stool. Her arms easily find their place around his shoulders, her fingers brushing strands of blond hair away from his face. She leans down and kisses him on the top of his head. “I’m sorry. I’m really stressed and I’ve been taking it out on you, even though you’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’m sorry.”

“Ts’okay, Kie.”

“No, it isn’t.” She pulls back so she can look him in the eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that, and I’m sorry. Okay?”

JJ chews on his lower lip, doesn’t say a word. But then he nods, and the knot in her throat eases a little.

“Okay… right.” She moves her hand to his face, strokes him gently over the smooth skin of his cheek. “I guess I’ll see you after work? It’s getting late.”

JJ glances over to the time on the microwave, runs a hand over his face. “Yeah, crap. I need to get going.”

He glances up to her, a hand still resting on her lower back. He smooths his thumb over the fabric of her shirt, just above her left hip. “We good, then?”

Kie gives him a soft smile. She leans down and pecks him right by his temple, combs his hair back with the tips of her fingers.

“Of course we are.”

JJ gets up with a heavy sigh, nodding at her. He disappears into the bedroom, where he quickly changes into his work clothes before heading out.

He smacks a kiss over her lips before leaving, soft and gentle and barely there. 

She’s left grinning like an idiot at the closed door long after he’s left.

* * *

She’s home before JJ, even though she left after him. 

She’s so huge these days she can barely survive half shifts at Charlie’s – and if she’s honest with herself, she knows she can’t even keep that going for much longer. She’s been at work for four hours, went to one house viewing (yeah, let’s not talk about that. Waste of time, as always) and her ankles are so swollen it was a struggle to get out of her shoes. Her back hurts so bad she’s afraid it’d snap in two. And all of it – every freaking part of it – royally _sucks._

It’s not as if Kie was ever so naive to think she’d be able to keep waitressing all the way to labour, and then come back the next day as if nothing major had happened. She’s known for months this day would come, the day when work would finally be too much – not to mention it’s the end of the season. In a few weeks, Charlie’s will start reducing hours drastically, like every other business on the island. Even if she was in any state to work, that wouldn’t make for fat days ahead.

She’s been budgeting for it, saving up as much money as she can to give herself a comfortable cushion for when the baby arrives. Honestly, she has JJ to thank for this (and for, like, everything else) because she’d be far worse off if she’d had to pay rent these past few months. Still, things are hardly looking up, and Kie feels woefully unprepared to her current predicament. Rent in the Outer Banks is not cheap, and her nice savings will look far more meager once she’s paid a deposit on a house. If she ever gets approved for one, that is.

Kiara takes a quick look at the clock on the microwave. It’ll be at least half an hour before JJ gets back. She knew she’d be too tired to cook tonight, so she took some leftovers from the restaurant, which means dinner’s sorted. With nothing else to do, she decides to take a warm shower, wash away the grime from the day at work and take a moment to relax and decompress. 

The shower really helps. As the water falls over her, she can practically feel her worries leave her body and wash down the drain along with her lavender soap. She struggles a bit getting out of the tiny shower, but what else is new – everything is a struggle these days, it seems. She takes a moment in front of the mirror, before getting dressed, rubs some sweet almond oil gently onto her skin to help with the stretch marks. It took a while, but Kie has made peace with her changing body by now; in a way it got easier as she got bigger – as she started to feel the baby moving, as the sonogram pictures started looking less like a tiny alien bean and more like a real human. Still, she kind of can’t wait for little Bo here to finally pop out. She misses her old body, the things it could do so easily and without effort. 

Maybe sensing her thoughts, the tiny monster chooses that exact moment to kick her right in the ribs. She lets out a little laugh as she catches her breath, holds onto the counter with one hand while the other reaches over to the spot where she’s just felt her baby moving. “Yeah, I know,” she murmurs softly. “I’d be bored too, stuck in there.”

By the time she steps back into the living area, a few minutes later, JJ is back.

“Hey,” he says with a quiet smile. He walks around to her, places a kiss on her cheek. She smiles back, then scrunches her nose at the intense smell of sweat mixed with motor oil coming from him.

“Hi. You stink.”

He chuckles softly at her, a dimple forming right in the middle of his cheek. “I know. I’ll grab a shower. Sit down though, I’ll fix us dinner in a minute.”

He disappears through the door she just came out from and she takes his advice, lowers herself carefully in the window seat. Back when she moved in it was just a crusty old windowsill, but she loves sitting here with a cup of tea in the afternoon. You can see the ocean in the distance, if you squint a little bit. She had quickly added a couple of pillows to make it cosy, pulled a stool close to use as a coffee table. Over time she even got a proper cushion fitted, once her back started complaining too much about the hard wooden seat. It’s much more comfortable than the dining chairs, now, and probably the single spot in the apartment she spends the most time at.

JJ walks back into the kitchen mere moments later, hair wet and a comfy looking pair of sweats under a clean white t-shirt. He opens the fridge and starts getting stuff out on the counter.

“Long day?” he asks, pointing at the bags of takeout she brought in from Charlie’s.

She freezes for a moment, sends him a tentative look. She’s tried to keep a healthy diet through the pregnancy, and she rarely takes advantage of the greasy leftovers she can grab for free from work. JJ knows this, and she half expects him to have a comment about it. She knows for a fact he thinks she’s working herself too hard – it’s come up a few times before.

But JJ doesn’t say anything. He simply plates the fried shrimps in two bowls and heats them up one after the other in the microwave. Adds a bunch of mixed salad leaves to her portion before passing it on to her. Sits at the table with his bowl and a cold beer just out from the fridge.

It takes her a moment to notice he’s being quieter than usual. No quips about his day, no questions about hers. None of the usual banter she grew so familiar with. His eyes keep shifting towards her and then back down, his fingers twitching. 

Kiara puts down the half-eaten dinner at her side. Takes a deep breath.

“Do you wanna tell me what’s up?”

JJ stills, his eyes darting towards hers, wide and hesitant. “I– uhm.”

She raises an eyebrow. Sits quiet, waiting.

“I saw your dad, earlier,” he blurts out.

The air in the room instantly freezes, and Kiara’s face falls. 

“What?”

“Yeah, he came by at Benny’s.”

“To talk to you? What did he want?”

JJ goes to talk, but then bites his mouth shut. He gets up from the table, moves his chair in front of her and sits back down, elbow on his knees, leaning towards her. Looks at her from under his eyelashes.

“Kie, can I be real with you? I know it’s not my place. But I think that maybe you should call your parents.”

Kiara shifts back so fast she gets whiplash, her belly swooshing uncomfortably as the baby rearranges inside her. She grimaces, her hand running to her stomach as a reflex. JJ’s eyes widen, flashing with concern.

“You okay?” he asks.

She pushes off his proffered arm, moves even farther away from him on the window seat.

“Why would you say that?” she attacks. It feels like betrayal, and it stings. 

The concern hasn’t completely left JJ’s eyes, but he still backs off, leaves her space. Folds and unfolds his arms in front of him, runs a hand through his hair. 

“Look, Kie, I know you guys aren’t exactly on good terms right now.” He looks straight into her eyes and she feels like he’s pinning her to the wall with his gaze. “But it sounds like they want to help you... and maybe you should let them.”

She jumps off her seat – which, honestly, would be more dramatic if her shape didn’t resemble that of a fucking air baloon – dismisses him sharply as he’s quick on his feet behind her. She paces across the floor, takes a deep breath to steady herself, turns back on herself to face him.

“What the hell did he even tell you?”

JJ’s moving carefully around her, as if she were a cornered animal and he was afraid she’d snap at him. Which, fair assessment, probably. He has his hands stretched in front of him as he says, “He asked how you were doing. And to tell you to please call them.”

Kiara simply snorts at that.

“You know what? You were right, JJ. This really isn’t your place.”

JJ closes his eyes, twists his lips to refrain from talking. His Adam's apple bobs up and down before he schools his shoulders down, his arms relaxed at his sides.

She can’t believe this is happening. JJ, who was literally there when they first left her alone to her own devices, who’d picked her up piece by piece and built her back up. How could he be the one suggesting she reach out to them, now?

She sends him a guarded look, dread settling at the pit of her stomach. She squares her shoulders, defensive, and says, “If this is about me staying here don’t worry JJ, I’ll be gone soon. In fact you know what, say the word and I’m out, I’ll find somewhere else to stay.”

“Jesus Christ,” he groans, as if she’s the one being unreasonable. “Kie, I’m not kicking you to the curb, alright? I’m just saying, maybe you should… I don’t know. Give them a chance.”

She sets her shoulders back, folds her arms over her massive belly. “And why on Earth would I do that?”

“Because, Kie!” he snaps, and despite herself she flinches. He notices it, too, immediately takes a step back. He doesn’t relent, though. His tone might be in check, but his words sure bite as he says, “I watch you all day, stressing about money, and the future, and jobs. All I’m saying is that maybe you should quit being stubborn and just give a call to your parents, who just so happen to want to help you out.”

“ _Stubborn?”_ Kiara’s eyes widen on their own accord. “Is that what you think? Let me refresh your memory, JJ, because you seem to have forgotten that last time I asked for their help, they literally kicked me out!”

JJ looks like he’s aged ten years in the span of this conversation. He runs a hand over his tired face, the very picture of exhaustion. “Yeah, Kie, I’m aware.”

“Then how can you even _suggest–_ ”

“I just– Look, Kie. It’s been months, okay? All I’m saying is, they might have changed their mind. Your dad honestly just seemed worried for you.”

“Well, too bad.”

“Come on, Kie.”

“No, you know what? I really shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s not like they didn’t know this moment would come when they told me not to bother to come back. They’re worried, now? Well, it’s too little too late.”

He gives her a look – head tilted slightly, lips tight. Doesn’t say anything.

She huffs out a breath, shakes her head with a humourless laugh. “I bet they would love it, wouldn’t they. If I came crawling back to them. Would prove them just right, show them I couldn’t do this on my own. Yeah, no thanks.”

JJ runs a hand over his mouth, the growing exasperation clear on his face. He fixes her with a glare, a hard set to his jaw. “So that’s it? They might be offering real help, Kie. And you’d turn it down to prove a point?”

She huffs out a dry chuckle. Shakes her head in disbelief. “Wow. Sure, that’s exactly what’s happening, JJ, I’m holding a grudge for no reason.” 

“I never said that.”

“You’re acting as if I’m crazy to feel hurt, or–”

“I’m not! Stop putting words in my mouth, Kie.” There’s a wrinkle cutting between his eyebrows, his lips twisted into a hard line. JJ leans back slightly on the edge of the kitchen table, taps his fingers on the wooden surface. “Look, I never even said you had to forgive them, just – I don’t know. Hear them out.” 

“You don’t understand what it’s like–”

“What, to have parents who care?” he snaps, arms open wide at his sides. It shuts her right up, sucks all the air out of her lungs and she’s left gaping at him. “You’re right, I don’t. Lucky me.”

He pushes back from the table all but glaring at her. Kiara’s frozen on her feet, unable to move, tears building up and burning at the corners of her eyes.

JJ picks up his jacket, slung over the couch where he left it not an hour ago. He doesn’t even spare her another look, just heads straight out.

He slams the door behind him as he leaves.

* * *

Kiara stands in the middle of the kitchen, tears burning as they well at the corners of her eyes. She hates this so fucking much, crying alone in her kitchen like a loser. In a fit of rage she dumps both her and JJ’s plates in the sink and turns the water on. She might as well channel her sad feels into something productive at least, instead of just hanging around waiting for her heart to stop racing.

She goes to dry her tears with the back of her hand, and only manages to smudge soapy dish water on her face. She’s so fucking mad. Not so much at her parents for cornering JJ like they did; that was bound to happen at some point, she reasons. Over the summer it’d been easy enough to avoid them – during Touron season her parents are either working, or buried in their social events in Figure Eight. But now that summer’s coming to an end there’s only so many people left on Kildare. Only so many shops open. Even if her dad hadn’t decided to ambush JJ, it was only a matter of time before one of them ran into either of her parents. She supposes she should be grateful her dad didn’t come to ambush _her,_ instead. 

No, it’s not her parents she’s mad at, it’s JJ. No matter how inevitable this encounter was, she certainly wasn’t prepared for him to turn on her like he did. JJ has been her rock through all of this, from that very first night when she showed up desperate at his door and he let her in, no questions asked. He’s the one who held her tight as she wept on his shoulder after leaving her parents’ house for the last time. He’s been there with her every single day since, through morning sickness and exhaustion and worries. Which is why it hurt so bad, now, for him to even suggest she reach out to her parents. He knows her better than that. He should know better than that.

And yet. The part of Kiara that is completely, a hundred percent honest with herself knows that the reason she’s reacted so strongly is that maybe, _maybe_ he has a point. Because as ugly as this turned out to be, she knows that JJ would never do anything to knowingly hurt her. She knows in her heart he’s just trying to help. And as much as it feels impossible now, as tangled together as their lives have been for months… JJ wasn’t there the night of the fight with her parents. He knows what happened in broad strokes, from her angry retelling that left out all those sharp words that really cut through. He might not truly realise just how painful it all was, how shitty she felt for weeks – months even, after it happened. How she’d break down crying out of nowhere if her thoughts just lingered a second too long.

Still, Kiara would like to think she’s made it clear how she feels about her parents. That should be enough for him to know that even suggesting something like this is so completely out of line. The mere thought of her asking her parents for help is out of the question. JJ doesn’t need to understand the detailed intricacies of it to respect her decision. To trust that she knows what she’s doing.

(Does she, though? That’s a separate, and totally unrelated question, and nothing JJ should concern himself with.) 

She folds the kitchen rag carefully into thirds – the way her mother’s always done it – and hangs it back to dry over the handle of the oven door. She takes a look at the spotless kitchen around her, and she feels completely empty, and exhausted. She wishes JJ was here instead of god knows where, she wishes they could talk things through. And also at the same time she really doesn’t want to see him, doesn’t want to have another go at this ugly fight, it just hurts too much.

Finally, her chest all tight and her eyes still burning with unshed tears, she turns the light off in the kitchen and steps back into the bedroom and adjoining bathroom. 

She quickly brushes her teeth and rinses her face, and then simply lets herself fall on the bed, over the covers – not even bothering to change out of the grey sweats and loose-fit top she’s wearing. Like she’s given them permission, her pent-up tears finally start rolling freely over the rim of her eyes, down her cheeks. They fall over the edge of her jaw and pool on her neck, wetting a spot on her pillow, a choked sob building up into her chest. 

She thinks back to that night in Byron, the drunken hookup that started all this. How stupid, stupid she’d been, getting wasted like that, going off with a fucking cliché of a surfer dude and being too far gone to even remember to use a fucking _condom._ She chokes a little on her tears, rubs a hand gently on her belly, a rush of guilt overcoming her. She already loves her baby, so much. She never wants him to think he was a mistake, so she should stop thinking of it as such. It wasn’t a mistake, it was life and it happened. And she could have chosen a different path but she didn’t, she chose to have this child. Who is not a mistake. And who doesn’t deserve any of this, and shouldn’t pay the price for her cluelessness. So she better get a grip, and find a way to pull her life back together.

* * *

It’s hours later when JJ finally gets back. It’s late, the apartment dark – only some feeble light filtering through the blinds from the streetlamps outside. He closes the door softly behind himself, careful not to make any noise, presumably not to wake her. As if she could be asleep.

She hears him moving around in the kitchen, opening the cupboards, the fridge. She wonders briefly what state he’ll be in. JJ is not a stranger to drowning his feelings in the bottle, and he was so mad when he left. She thinks she heard his truck outside, though. And JJ would never drive drunk or high, not ever, especially after his dad–

And yet that sense of turmoil lingers, that slight unease. Like any moment now he’ll show up at the bedroom door, and she’s not quite sure what to expect. But then time passes, and he just… doesn’t. There’s no sound coming from the living room, now, and she just doesn’t know what’s going on with him. She wishes she did.

She’s all but resigned to the fact he might stay and sleep on the couch for the night when he finally steps in the bedroom. She shifts to her side, facing the door, and their eyes meet. He’s startled for a second, surprised to find her waiting. There’s a somewhat blank look on his face as he leans back against the doorframe, not a word to her.

“Are you drunk?” she asks.

He stops in his tracks, does a double take. His eyes glisten in the darkness, his eyebrow furrowed as he burns her with a glare. “No,” he says, pointedly. He sounds almost hurt, offended at the insinuation.

“It’s just a question.”

JJ emits a humourless chuckle, his eyes raised to the ceiling as if asking for strength from above. He runs a hand over his face. Doesn’t move away from the door.

“I went to John B’s,” he says.

She could point out that the two things are not mutually exclusive, but she thinks she doesn’t actually want to have a fight. She’s been waiting for hours for him to come back, who is she kidding. She might wish to be a badass independent woman, soon-to-be single mom standing on her own two feet. But in reality she feels more like a housewife straight from a technicolor movie, waiting for her man to come home.

And wow, isn’t that a depressing realisation.

She rolls on her back, stares at the ceiling to avoid looking at him. She doesn’t even know what she wants from him, now. A part of her is desperate for them to talk things out and go back to things being good between them. She also kind of just really wants him to crawl into bed with her and pretend nothing’s happened. Or maybe she just wants him to leave her alone, turn back on himself and go back where he came from, leave her here to sort out her own feelings. There’s definitely a lot of sorting out that needs doing, although being left alone hasn’t exactly helped so far.

She tries to gather her thoughts, find something to say to break this silence which is edging towards super uncomfortable territory. 

Eventually, though, JJ beats her to it.

“Look, I–” He hesitates, and when she glances back at him she finds him hiding behind folded arms, gaze buried on the floor. “I’m sorry I left like that. It was a dick move. I just… I really do not want to fight, Kie.”

He sounds so completely exhausted. Tears prickle at the back of her eyes and _god_ she hates these stupid pregnancy hormones. Kie’s never been a crier, but in the past eight months she’s had meltdowns for literally anything. Never shed this many waterworks in her life. 

She blinks a few times, pulls herself together. Hopes and prays he won’t notice, in the darkness of the room. 

“I’m sorry, too,” she says, “For what I said… and the way I said it.” She looks at him through glassy eyes. She pulls a face, forces out a little smile. “I bet you and John B had a field day, talking about me, uh?”

JJ takes a deep breath. Pushes himself off the doorway and comes to sit at the foot of the bed, legs pulled up in front of him, arms on his knees.

“I mean,” he says, and he sends her a little eloquent look, the faintest shadow of a guilty grin curving his lips. “Yeah, JB let me vent for a bit. But, like, then he basically told me not to be an ass. So do not fret, he’s still your biggest fan.”

She sends him a puzzled look, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. JJ mussels up his hair running a hand through it, looks back at her sheepishly.

"Look, Kie, I know it's fucking complicated. And I'm sorry if I, I don't know… pressured you or something. I swear I didn't mean to, honest. I just–” he cuts himself short. Shakes his head, averts his gaze. “I know this is hard for you, okay? And I respect that.”

He shifts in his seat, arms wrapped tight around his knees, and he very pointedly doesn’t look at her when he says, “But, like… I’m just trying to be realistic, Kie. I’m a fucking mechanic. I make minimum wage at Benny’s. All that’s mine is yours, or whatever, but… you’ve seen what it’s like to grow up on the Cut. You might not want to accept your parent’s help, but you have to admit that they can give you and Bo the type of life you both deserve. While I can’t.”

Sometimes, JJ just completely and absolutely disarms her. Kiara feels herself going all soft for him, her heart almost bursting out of her chest. She pushes herself up, moves closer to him across the bed and puts a hand on his bare arm, feather light. His skin is so warm it almost burns her fingers – JJ’s always like that, running hot like the summer’s sun.

“JJ. Look at me.”

He does, piercing blue eyes dark and wide in the night, peering at her sideways through his blond hair.

“First of all, it’s not your job to provide for us. That’s my job,” she says, as gently as she can. She’s not trying to antagonise him, at all. Still, it needs to be said. JJ’s done so much for her already, way more than anyone should. 

JJ goes to say something but changes his mind. Lets her continue. She takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders. “Secondly. You’ve known me how long, now? I didn’t think I needed to spell this out, but I don’t care about money. And I appreciate it’s very privileged of me to say this,” she adds, before he can raise all the valid objections. “I definitely don’t want my kid to ever go hungry, or homeless, or anything. But if there’s one thing I learned growing up among the Kooks is that money cannot buy what’s really important.”

She pauses, purposefully holds his gaze. “I want my child to be loved,” she continues, “To have the type of friends – of _family,_ that I was lucky to have. To be _seen_. And that’s not something my parents gave me, it’s something I got from y’all – from the Pogues. But I know already from the start that he will have that, so I’m not worried. Bo is one lucky little motherfucker.” She breathes out a laugh, trying for light, but she chokes a little on it. She hopes he can’t tell she’s getting teary-eyed all over again. 

She’s pretty sure he can.

JJ doesn’t say anything, though. He puts a hand over hers, still resting on his arm. He cranes his head down and kisses her fingers, one at a time. Somehow, it’s the chastest and yet also the most intimate moment they’ve ever shared.

She shakes her head, pulls her hand back from his soft hold. Drops her gaze to the covers to avoid his eyes. 

“I’ve never felt like I could be my own person, with them. You know?” she whispers. “Not back when I was a kid, and certainly not now, if I were to accept their help. They’d want me to move back in, and it would be on their terms. They would feel entitled to have a say in the way I raise him, in the types of choices I make, careers I pursue.”

JJ’s looking right at her, wide and open and sincere. “You don’t know that. You haven’t even talked to them in months.”

“But I do, JJ. They’re my parents. I’ve known them all my life. Trust me, I know.”

JJ is quiet, worrying his lip. Kiara takes a deep breath, runs a hand over her belly.

“That’s not what I want, for him. I don’t want him to think I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t take care of myself. What kind of message would that send to him?”

“Kie.” He looks at her in that way he does, soft yet serious at the same time. She never really knows how to take it, when he looks at her like that. “There’s nothing wrong with letting your parents help you,” he says, gentle but firm. “Hell, mine are a lot worse than yours, and I’m still not exactly spitting on the money that comes from renting out the house, now, am I.”

“That’s so not the same thing, JJ.” She’s almost offended he’d try to compare the two situations. He never got a single thing from his piece of shit father other than pain and abuse. The least he can do is milk what little is left of the inheritance, now that Luke’s finally kicked the bucket. While in her case… yes, her relationship with her parents is complicated, sure. In ways that probably JJ doesn’t understand entirely. But for reasons that couldn’t be farther apart. Her reasons for refusing their help have nothing to do with her not wanting them in her life. They’re the ones that drew that line when they gave her an ultimatum, and she now needs to prove to them – but, mostly, to herself – that they were wrong about her.

She runs a hand over her face and gathers her thoughts. “Look, I know things are stressful right now, I know I haven’t been the easiest person to live with. But, like.” She raises her eyes, looks straight into his. “It will be okay. I will figure out a way to make it work. Me and this little guy, we’ll be okay.”

She turns down towards her belly as she says it, gives it a little cuddle. She can’t help but smile at the sight, at the little person that’s growing inside her.

When she switches back to JJ, his face’s gone all soft. There’s a serious set to his lips, but his jaw is relaxed, his eyes shimmering in the darkness of the room. He reaches out to her, touches her ever so gently on her cheek. She leans into his hand – warm and rough and solid.

“You don’t have to do this alone, though,” he says, the pad of his thumb grazing over her skin. “Whether or not you talk to your parents, or find a place of your own, or whatever – we can figure this out together. No matter what happens, you know I'll always be there for you and little Bo."

Kie shakes her head, averts her gaze. She leans back down onto the pillows, hands clutched at the sides of her bump. “You keep saying that, JJ, but honestly… it’s a huge commitment. And I have no doubt you’ll be in our lives forever but–” She takes a deep breath, bites on her lip to ground herself. “At the end of the day, this is not your responsibility.”

JJ scoffs, as if it's a ridiculous thing for her to say. He opens his mouth to get back at her but Kiara cuts in first, “And I would hate for you to end up resenting me down the line for putting this on you. So I won’t.”

She doesn’t know how she expects him to react, but it’s certainly not this. JJ shakes his head at her, then comes to lie down on his side of the bed – next to her, but with a healthy space left empty between them. Takes his face into his hands. He takes a few deep, grounding breaths, runs his hands up and down over his tired eyes a couple times. 

“Honestly, Kie,” he says to the ceiling. “I don’t know what more you want me to do to convince you that I want this. That I want you to stick around, both of you. I don’t care if this child is not mine, I–” He cuts himself short, finally rolls onto his side to face her, bores his eyes into hers. “I want to be his fun Uncle JJ who lives with him and his Mama, if that’s what you want. Or maybe more than that, if you let me. I don’t know how to say this without overstepping, and I super fucking don’t want to push you anywhere you’re not comfortable going. But please, please stop acting as if this is some kind of burden you can’t place on me. I’m here, all burdened already. Please trust me that I won’t fuck off and split one day, or leave you hanging or–”

“Do you think that’s what this is? That I don’t trust you to stick around?” She pushes herself up, leaning on her elbows so she can look him square in the eyes. The air is still and heavy between them, JJ as unmoving as she’s even seen him. “JJ, I would genuinely trust you with both my life and my baby’s. Why do you think I came here all those months ago, instead of literally anywhere else? You’re the first person that comes to my mind when I’m in trouble and need help, you have been for a long time.”

JJ is quiet for quite some time, his eyes wide and stunned, locked into hers. Her heart is pounding furiously in her chest, the tension so thick she could cut it with a knife. This is possibly the most vulnerable she’s ever let herself be with him, the most open with her feelings. Kiara doesn’t do vulnerability very well. In fact, she always has her guard so high up it’s a goddamn miracle she ever managed to build any lasting relationships. 

She sends an oblique look to JJ, who still hasn’t moved. He’s chewing on his bottom lip so hard she’s sure he’ll draw blood. She finally takes pity on him, cornered by her unlikely outbursts. She looks at him softly, says, “Honestly, JJ. You’re the most dependable person I know, and you’re loyal to a fault.” She shakes her head slightly, gives him a timid smile. “It was never a question for me, that I should come here. I just knew you’d be on my side.”

JJ gulps down, uneasy. Mutters, “I’m always on your side, Kie.” Averts his gaze, wrings his hands in his lap. “And I’m sorry if it didn’t feel like that, before.”

Kiara lays back down on the mattress, rests her head on her pillow. Whispers, gently, “You’re too good to me, JJ.”

JJ huffs out a sigh. “Yeah, that’s me. JJ Maybank: too good to be true.”

“I’m serious!” She turns her face to him, insistently searches for his gaze.

When he finally meets her eyes, it’s like a spark of electricity is running between them, tying them together.

With a heavy sigh, JJ rolls over to her and lays his head on her pillow. Reaches an arm out and then hesitates a second, checks her eyes for permission. She nods, barely, and he slings his arm over her bump, around her and her baby. She moves her hand so it’s resting on top of his, fingers intertwined. JJ snuggles closer to her, hides his face in the crook of her neck. She can feel his warm breath caressing her skin, the soft prickle of his hair tickling her jawline. She shifts slightly around him, rests her cheek on top of his head.

After approximately two lifetimes of silence, JJ murmurs, “Stop looking for an apartment. Stay here, please. We’ll figure it out.”

His body stills with anticipation, his heartbeat racing – or maybe it’s her own. There’s a ringing sound filling her ears, and the air is hot and heavy around her. Around _them_. When her mouth opens to speak, she surprises even herself.

“Okay.”

JJ instantly perks up. He lifts himself on his elbow, looks straight down into her eyes. “Yeah?”

She nods, heart pounding. “Yes.”

JJ’s timid smile is so bright it lights up the room. He leans down, presses a kiss on her forehead. He stays there, lips on her skin, a hand cupped on top of her head, thumb brushing lightly through her hair. Her eyes widen in mild confusion when he finally pulls back and looks at her, the palm of his hand still resting at the side of her head.

There’s a moment, right there, and she’s not exactly sure what’s going to happen. Her whole body tingles in anticipation, and for just a second she’s sure he’ll say what neither of them has so far. She’s completely still, unmoving. She’s not sure if she wants him to, not sure she knows how she’d react.

But the moment passes. JJ leans back down next to her, slings his arm back over her. Nuzzles his face into the crook of her neck.

She readjusts slightly, sneaks an arm behind his head, holds him closer to her. She closes her eyes, mindlessly carding her fingers through his hair. This is her favourite way to be with him, she thinks, when he’s leaning over her like this, soft and mellow in her arms.

“Hey, JJ?” she murmurs into the night.

“Mhm...?” he acknowledges her, voice already heavy with sleep.

She leans her face down, places a soft kiss into his messy blond hair. “Thank you.”

He snuggles even closer to her, squeezes her tight against him, face buried in her neck. 

“Anytime.”

**Author's Note:**

> Lara, I really hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Additional thanks to my amazing beta [YellowLaboratory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YellowLaboratory/pseuds/YellowLaboratory) who constantly deals with my writing crises like a pro. Annie, my love for you is unmatched.
> 
> Special mention to Topher, JJ's therapist in Lara's fic, without whom most of the dialogue in this thing would have been highly unrealistic.
> 
> I live for comments, please come chat with me and let me know what you thought. It's also my birthday this coming weekend (and apparently I am not above pleading for validation).
> 
> All my love to the [jiara gc](https://hvitstark.tumblr.com/gcshenanigans) who are the most amazingly supportive group of people ever.


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